I just came across this post about Christmas pick pockets, and it set off a weird scenario in my head…
PickPocket#1: Wow, what a fab market. So much stuff!
PickPocket#2: Yeh, awesome. Check what I got – a baby mobile with hand-quilted anteaters. Wasn’t easy getting it up my sleeve but the handstitching is worth it.
PP#1: Tracy will absolutely luuuurve that. I got her something, too, for the baby’s room – look, a crocheted blanket in purple and limes with orange pompoms round the edges.
PP#2: No! OMG! She will die of joy! Where did you find that???
PP#1: You see that woman over there with the dreadlocks? She had it in her carrier bag. She also had this –
PP#2: A photo frame made out of beer bottle lids and empty marmite jars? No way!!! There is no limit to people’s creativity these days.
PP#1: I know. And if you turn it upside down, it opens out into a garlic crusher.
PP#2: Funny you should say that, there’s a chap over there selling garlic crushers that he’s turned into earring holders. I thought of nicking one but then I really only had room in my bra for this funk-my-phone cover with neon skull design.
PP#1: Yeah, but you can’t go wrong with one of those. I hope that clanking sound isn’t bothering you?
PP#2: What is it? Wait! Let me guess! You saw those liqueur bottles with fairy lights inside?
PP#2: haha, I couldn’t resist. I took two, got one in each sock. Will be so divine for the dinner table. Unless I can palm them off to Stinky Sam, you know how he loves sparkly things. Might be worth a couple of quid, whatcha think?
PP#1: Yeh, give him a bell. He’s a magpie, that Sam. And he’s been at the Claremont Festive Fun Day today so he probably hasn’t seen these yet – unless he’s been surfing Etsy. You ready to go?
PP#2: Nearly, I just want to see if anyone’s bought that silver teacosy embellished with peacock feathers and baboon teeth – it had such an authentic African look. Ooh look, I can see a peacock feather sticking out of that man’s basket!!! Distract him for me, won’t you, just for a second…
Alan Coren would be turning in his grave.
To be continued…